Well, if you're not - then I certainly am.

I admit to having watched 'Masterchef, the Professionals' and - aside from the fact that the voice-over said 'Cooking doesn't get any better than this', before showing you practically raw chicken, butter cut on a board still bearing blood from a few moments earlier and ingredients so messed-about-with as to be almost unrecognisable (if this is the 'best', no wonder I choose not to eat out much!) - there was one round where contestants had to cook for 'Food Critics', one of whom was a certain Charles Campion (he of the London Evening Standard) - that'd be the same Charles Campion what turned up today on 'Britain's Best Dish' then

Now, what I wanna know is ... how do I, or indeed any of us, get a job like that? What are the qualifications? You have a need to eat food? Check. You have to know that it's cooked when it's supposed to be? I can do that. You need to say whether it's nice food? Subjective, but it doesn't seem to bother them (aubergine and couscous bake wouldn't be top of my list, but I'd be quite able to give an opinion on it). You appreciate how it's presented? Well, if it looks pretty I guess that's a bonus, but I'm not sure I'm really into 'smears' of stuff across a plate - surely smears are what should be left after they've eaten? You have to have an opinion on how everything is cooked? Not hard, but again subjective - my ideal steak would be to rip the horns off a cow, chase it through a warm kitchen and serve, Mr. MM on the other hand wants his done almost to charcoal standard. Anything else? Oh yes - the ability to find fault. Now, in that I could excel!!

I'm not alone in being able to do all or any of the above, and yet he gets paid for it and I want a piece of the action.